The National Lampoon Effect

There is just something about the open road that really brings a family close. Close to the edge of sanity, that is. And boy, have we had our share of eventful road trips. There is, however, a single day during one of our many trips that will live on in my mind for years to come. That memorable day happened on a trip to Disneyland to celebrate our twins’ fifth birthday.

Five is a great age for children to experience Disneyland. The rides for that age group tend to have shorter lines that move faster, the kids enjoy seeing life size versions of their favorite characters, and most can walk a good bit before getting tired. They are past potty training but haven’t hit those unpredictable teen years when you’re never quite sure who you’re going to get that day. So, for each of our children’s fifth birthdays, we have taken them to a Disney park.

When it was time for our twins to go, we foolishly thought it would be a good idea to make the 18-hour drive to Anaheim rather than pay for six airline tickets. We had planned to stay a night in northern California to break up the trip.

Selfless Seat

Now, my role on these road trips was usually that of an adult passenger. Being the adult passenger on a family road trip is the hardest job. Yes, the driver must remain conscious and alert for hours on end, but it is the copilot that has to do all the grunt work.

We must distribute and ration the snacks, align hydration with restroom availability, fix problems with toys and electronics, cure boredom and settle disputes among the rank and file. We navigate, negotiate and problem solve as if our lives depend on it; constantly rotating back and forth like an oscillating fan on high with motion sickness always just a spin away. While the drivers get all the credit for pushing that cruise control button and keeping their eyes open, we are the real unsung road trip heroes.

And We’re Off

It was very early one warm August morning when I accepted my protagonist position in the seat adjacent to the driver. Our SUV was stuffed with people and luggage. I had been planning for months and packing for days. I was confident that I would be prepared for any hurdle we might face in the park. What I didn’t expect was what would face us on the road getting there.

Workation

We weren’t on the road two hours before my husband received a call from work. A problem at the office that only he could solve apparently. It was inconvenient, but not unexpected. I don’t believe we’ve had a vacation where he didn’t have to navigate one work issue or another. The trick is trying to keep kids quiet while he puts out these fires. Yet, by the time my youngest children were five, all the kids responded appropriately to a death stare and index finger to the lips. Unfortunately, the calls would continue throughout the day and throughout our vacation.

To The Mattresses

In the late morning hours, I was sitting there enjoying some quiet during a lull in work calls and children who were momentarily satisfied. Suddenly, the pickup in front of us caught my eye. It was hard not to notice as a giant box spring and mattress came flying out of the back. My whole body tensed as I held my breath and did what every mom is prone to do. With far from herculean strength, I flung my mortal arm out towards my husband in a pitiful attempt to stop the mattress from getting to my children in the back.

I watched as the mattress landed abruptly in the lane just ahead. The box spring bounced several times, breaking apart, sending splintered wood shooting through the air. Luckily, traffic was relatively light that day, and my husband was able to artfully dodge in and out of lanes in order to miss the flying debris.

Perhaps narrowly escaping a life-threatening accident should have clued me in on the day that lay before me, but can it really get much worse than mattresses flying at you on the interstate?

Lunch Anyone?

As my nerves started to settle and we crept closer to lunch time, I heard a soft, shaky voice from the rear of the car.

“Mom, I don’t feel good. I’m going to throw up.”

Oh, those dreaded words. Those words that strike fear in the hearts of every parent. And why must they show up at the worst times? My children rarely utter them at home, close to a bathroom. Nope. Always somewhere inconvenient with the closest restroom light-years away.

I should have known, should have expected it. As we searched for a place to pull off the road, I wondered what we were in for. Was it just a little car sickness? Maybe a touch of food poisoning? Dehydration? How would we get the smell of vomit out of the car? We had miles to go in the summer heat.

My mind raced with possibilities and scenarios of the week ahead. By the time we stopped the car, I envisioned us all sick with the stomach flu spending more time in the hotel bathroom than in the park.

My husband finally pulled into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant. Luckily, our queasy youngster was able to get out of the car before vomiting. Unfortunately, it was in the parking lot.

While my gut reaction was to get back in the car and flee the unsavory scene, my three other children were pretty sure they were going to be getting some fast-food for lunch. The way this trip was going, who knew when we were going to see food again. So, we headed inside to feed our brood.  

Turning Up the Heat

Somewhere near the Oregon and California border, the car started to heat up. Not the engine of the vehicle, but the interior. Our air conditioning that had been repaired just weeks earlier had given out on us. And, it was hot. We knew the further south we headed, the higher the temperature would climb. We had a full day’s drive ahead of us and an 18-hour drive back.

It would be miserable and risky as our youngest child has trouble regulating her temperature. We decided to stop in Redding to see if we could get it fixed.  We found a shop that agreed to look at our vehicle that day but it would be a bit of a wait. So, we waited.

The waiting room of a busy auto shop isn’t exactly the perfect playground for children escaping long, hot hours in a vehicle. Luckily, as 21^st century parents, we had brought a couple of DVD players along for the ride. The problem was we only had two DVD players and four children. They would have to agree on what movies to watch.

After a lengthy debate, the movies were rolling and 50 percent of our children were happy. We waited and waited, anxiously watching the clock on the wall steal all those minutes we tried to save so early that morning.

Urgent Business

Several hours later, we finally got back on the road, sans air conditioning. Windows down and hours behind schedule, it would be quite late when we reached our destination for the night. We hurried along trying to make up for the time we had lost, and then, it happened again. Another anxious, tiny voice from the back.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” came an urgent plea. Oh, those other dreaded words.

We were no longer driving along the interstate. We were now on rural back roads in northern California driving around small towns late in the evening searching for a bathroom. There were no rest stops, no convenient stores, and no Harley Davidsons. Wait, Harley Davidsons? Yes, Harley Davidsons. I have found these stores to have the cleanest restrooms. However, a stop at one is always a risk when my husband is along for the ride, but a risk I am occasionally willing to take.

We finally found a small gas station. The kind with the restroom door on the exterior of the building. I went inside and retrieved the small key attached to a 2×4 and hurried my very fidgety child into the bathroom. Unfortunately, what my little one had neglected to mention was that business had already commenced, topics one and two complete. 

Moments later, I found myself questioning every decision I had made regarding this trip as I pulled soiled underwear off my child late at night in a gas station bathroom in the middle of nowhere northern California. Little did I know, this would not be the only time I would pull soiled underwear off my child alongside the road in the middle of nowhere in northern California. That, however, is a story for another day.

An Enlightening Adventure

We did eventually make it to our destination late that evening and I went to bed that first night under a cloud of anxiety, dreading more problems in the days ahead. We finally made it to Disneyland a few days later. I have wonderful memories of our days spent celebrating our twins in the park. I got to witness so much joy from all of my children, even the big one. It’s funny to think about the rocky start we had and the pessimism it planted in me.

The hot and sticky days that followed were not without their hiccups, yet no day fired obstacles at us in rapid succession quite like that first day. That is what life seems to be all about isn’t it though, navigating obstacles to get to the good stuff? Something to keep in mind when heading out on the road with youngsters.

Although, getting a side job or cashing in those savings bonds from grandma to splurge for airline tickets isn’t a bad idea either.

Got a good family road trip story, I’d love to hear it. Please share in the comments.