Putting the Love of Friendly Competition back into Youth Sports

Friendly Competition

In the early years of our marriage, my husband earned extra money as a basketball referee. He refereed mostly adult rec leagues and high school games. Occasionally, he would officiate youth sports programs. 

One afternoon, he invited me to join him for a game. “I think you would really like it,” he urged. 

Soon, I found myself sitting on the hardwood bleachers of our local middle school. I spent the next two hours watching fifth and sixth grade girls’ basketball. I loved every minute of it.  

Young girls just learning to play the game, ran, skipped and sauntered down the court. They played with an innocence that was pure entertainment. I watched girls console each other over missed shots. One girl stopped mid game to help an opponent with her hair scrunchie. I witnessed them encourage teammates. They celebrated every basket made regardless of who got the points. What I observed that day was kids having fun playing a game, adults cheering them on and everyone enjoying friendly competition.

Participation Over Competition

In the several decades since that game, I have watched the friendly competition of youth sports dwindle. The giggles that once echoed across courts and fields have been drowned out by the shouts of enraged parents and the sounds of coaches berating their athletes. Simply put, adults are ruining youth sports. 

There was an effort to correct the problem by steering the focus away from competition and on to participation. Many programs stopped keeping score. They quit recognizing individual effort and insisted only participation needed to be celebrated. But these efforts didn’t reach the heart of the problem. They only served to create more issues. 

Young children need exposure to the important and healthy lessons that only come from competition. They need to learn to work towards a goal, to be coachable, to appreciate the accomplishments of others, to lift up a teammate, to win graciously, and they need to learn to accept defeat. The earlier in life they begin to build these skills, the better off they will be. 

Friendly No More

The problem isn’t competition. It is our shift away from friendly to hostile competition. Somewhere in the past few decades we have lost sight of why these games are played. And parents are the root of the problem. Somehow parents went from wanting to give their kids a fun, structured activity to elevating youth sports to life-defining status. Inaccurate calls by officials are taken as personal insults while volunteer coaches can’t do anything right. I have watched rational, seemingly mild-mannered individuals absolutely lose it during a baseball game for six-year-olds.      

Parents used to enjoy watching their children engage in friendly competition, enthusiastically encouraging them from the sidelines. Parents now scream with desperation as if the third strike call is going to destroy their athlete’s chances of playing D1 ball. 

Sadly, the actions of parents have influenced the behavior of players. Some youth athletes forget they are part of a team and seek individual glory. Some refuse to listen to coaches. Friendly teasing between teammates crosses lines becoming bullying. When errors are made, equipment is thrown and profanity spewed. 

Controlling Behavior

Rules have been enacted in an attempt to control behavior. Signs reminding spectators that they are watching a youth sporting event now adorn fields and courts. Some programs even require parents and players to sign behavior contracts. 

We need to remember this is an athletic competition not a battlefield. It is supposed to be fun for everyone, especially the children. Just because your child is enjoying the game doesn’t mean he isn’t working hard to get better. Remember, your child takes his cues from you. If you are angry and resentful, that is exactly what your athlete feels and exactly how he’ll behave.   

Our Role as Parents

As parents, we have two responsibilities when it comes to our children’s extracurricular activities. The first is to find a quality program that is run with an emphasis on helping children hone their skills. Look for coaches who are more focused on improving than winning. Once you have entrusted your children to quality coaches, let the coaches coach. 

Your second responsibility is simply to be your children’s biggest fan. Celebrate their achievements and when they make an error, either reassure them or keep your mouth shut. Unless they ask for your insight, trust that their coaches have already educated them on their mistakes. Some days, the best thing you can say is that you enjoy watching them and that you recognize they are working hard to get better.

The Rule of Friendly Competition

I still see hints of friendly competition now and then. Infielders congratulating a homerun hitter on his way around the bases, wrestlers hugging it out after a close match, even parents recognizing an opposing team’s player for his efforts. The moments stand out in my mind, but I wish they didn’t. These incidents are real sportsmanship. They are friendly competition. And they should be the rule not the exception.