Tales in Potty Training: Hilarious Potty Predicaments
Potty training, one of the first big hurdles you will encounter as a parent. It’s a hurdle you dread beginning. However, you know there awaits a diaper free promised land just on the other side.
The most frightening thing about potty training is the unpredictability of it all. You have no way of knowing if your child is ready, how long it will take, when the need for a restroom will arise, or how many accidents you will have to clean up. And there will be accidents, many, many accidents.
If you are smart, you will begin potty training holed up in the house for a three- or four-day stretch. Sooner or later though, you will have to venture out and things are going to get dicey. You are going to experience panic like never before.
Eventually, you will get over that hurdle and enter a life free of diapers. Then there will come a day, and it will come faster than you think, when you will find yourself giggling at your adventures in potty training. You may even use them as anecdotes to normalize these adventures for another young mom.
So, as promised, here are some of my most memorable and hilarious real-life potty predicaments:
Road Trip Regrets
Road trips with potty trainers are the worst. The need for frequent stops can turn an eight-hour drive into a messy, stressful twelve-hour ordeal.
On one such fateful trip, we were about an hour from home when our three-year-old requested a stop. The only place to pull off the interstate was a park-and-ride. In an attempt to provide some privacy, I directed my child to go between our car and one parked next to us.
The unfortunate spot chosen was right next to the driver’s side door. My kid squatted down and went all in right there between the two cars.
I desperately looked around for anything I could use to move the pile. Unbelievably, we had nothing in our car. I scanned the parking lot. There was nothing. No sticks, no napkins, no plastic cups or garbage of any kind. Park-and-rides are not known for their cleanliness, but this one was spotless. Well, it was until we got there anyway.
As I got back in the car, I could only think about the poor driver who would return to his car after a long day of work only to find my child had staked claim to the area directly in front of his driver’s side door. I hoped that maybe Karma had enlisted my child’s help that day to punish the driver for some evil deed. In the end though, I knew if Karma was coming for anyone, it was coming for me.
California Curse
If you’ve read my blog post The National Lampoon Effect, you are familiar with my experience pulling soiled clothing off my child along the road in the middle of nowhere California. Unfortunately, that was not the only time I found myself in such a predicament.
I once bravely, or maybe foolishly, took my children on a summer road trip without my husband. Somewhere in northern California along a quiet stretch of road, I received an urgent restroom request. I took the first exit we came to and found myself in a wooded area with no businesses in sight.
As I tried to provide some support for my child, I began to hear complaints about getting wet. I looked down and realized my kid’s pants, legs and shoes were soaked. I then noticed my shoes had also caught a good bit of the splatter.
Once again, I found myself on the side of the road in northern California pulling soiled clothing off my child. Thankfully, I was not wearing sandals and luckily, we live in an age of Wet Wipes. In the moment though, I was neither thankful nor was I feeling lucky. I cursed like a seasoned sailor as I got us cleaned up and on our way.
Less than a mile down the road, stood a big, beautiful travel center. Insulted, I couldn’t help but mutter a few more obscenities as we passed by.
Batter Up
Our children have spent more than a decade around the game of baseball. So, inevitably we were bound to have a restroom encounter on the diamond. Nothing quite prepares you for the helplessness you feel watching your young child panic in front of a crowd of people.
All eyes were on home plate one hot July day as my little batter tried quietly and ineffectively to plead with the umpire. The umpire, clueless, motioned for the pitch. Soon there was a puddle in the batter’s box and I was rinsing out baseball pants in the restroom sink.
Watering the Daisies
Playing outfield can be pretty boring. It’s also often the furthest you can get from the bathroom. Not only have my children marked their territory at home plate, they’ve covered the outfield as well.
One evening game, after a long stint in right field, my player didn’t head for the dugout. Instead, my baseballer, wet and embarrassed, was headed straight for me. Luckily, the game was over. In the dim evening light, nobody even noticed and that’s the story we’re sticking with.
School Daze
I once received a call from a Kindergarten teacher requesting that I come pick up my child. Strangely, the school day was almost over. The teacher explained that my child had had not one but two restroom accidents that day. She thought it best that we not risk another one on the bus ride home.
When I arrived, I was told my student was an avid hand raiser. Apparently, the teacher had trouble distinguishing whether my kid was trying to answer yet another question or requesting to use the restroom. As a result, my student held carte blanche restroom privileges for the rest of the school year.
When the Training Doesn’t Register
Kids don’t always save their accidents for public outings. Their little messes can pop up all over your home. I once walked in on my child who was standing over the heat register, pants down, peeing. Apparently the 18 inches between the heat register and the toilet was just too far to walk.
Outside the Outhouse
Finally, there is the matter of nature calls in the great outdoors. Young boys all discover the joy of peeing outside and it only gets worse when it snows. If only they could get as excited when writing with a pencil.
And, God help you if they get it in their heads douse a campfire.
